Contemplating the Afterlife from a Chicago Hotel
Looking onto Michigan Avenue, the park built over the tracks, trains,
next to the museum—so much has changed since Andy Warhol died
just before I saw his work the first time, blowing my teenage mind:
those Marilyns, walls of purple, repeated Maos, a room papered in yellow,
silkscreened with heads of hot pink cows, filled with shiny, floating
pillow balloons—Silver Clouds— bouncing off each other and me
as I walked through. My life felt new. Not so much the feeling now,
forehead pressed to glass. People on an astroturfed roof, smoke
and chat, throw balls to their dogs. I’m not sure what I hoped for
from the 19th floor, overlooking a city I’ve known as home. So much
has changed in the months since my brother texted me a video
where he banged the gong in the chemo room to celebrate what was
to be his last treatment. Here I am again, and I can’t sleep. I watch
The Andy Warhol Diaries that was just released. AI Andy—a flat,
robotic voice, approved for the documentary by his estate—speaks
all night of love and loneliness, wanting to belong. I let it stream.
How do we hope to go on? For weeks, I’ve been resisting and replaying
my brother’s video clip. The day he sent it to me he called and said,
“Just watch it. Get out the tissues.” I watch. He crosses the room,
laughs, fist pumps the air. The circle of clapping nurses quiets to hear
his raspy voice: “Thanks everybody, you guys have been so great.
I thought this was going to be a dark sad place to be, but it’s been fun.”
LAURA VAN PROOYEN is author of three collections of poetry: Frances of the Wider Field (Lily Poetry Review Books), Our House Was on Fire (Ashland Poetry Press) nominated by Philip Levine and winner of the McGovern Prize, and Inkblot and Altar (Pecan Grove Press). Laura facilitates free online workshops with Community Building Art Works for healthcare workers (www.cbaw.org) and is the founder of Next Page Press www.nextpage-press.com. She works as an independent consultant to writing clients and designs and facilitates customized workshops in the workplace to meet both individual and organizational wellness needs. www.lauravanprooyen.com